We met with our caseworker this afternoon...and boy was I sweating bullets thinking about our meeting today. It was the weirdest thing, but I recall having thoughts this morning that were questioning whether we were making the right choice by going through adoption....weird huh? The main reason I was having those thoughts is because our deposit was due today, and it is a non-refundable amount of $1000.00. Technically, we could get rejected from the agency and be out that money...I know that wont happen, but that will always be lingering in my mind until we have been "approved". Ugh, it is a bit too much to think about right now.
Anyhow, today's visit was kind of weird because our caseworker has us read our questionnaire answers aloud and then asks us any questions that he may have regarding what was said. Right from the get go, I knew I would feel uncomfortable because the very first question asks you to state your strengths and weaknesses...and guess who had to go first...ME!
So as I was reading verbatim what i had written weeks before, I couldn't help but feel like I was an awful person for having a weakness. (I know, totally ridiculous, but true) I was being 110% honest with my answers and trying to explain myself in my writing, but then, inevitability there has to be questions to follow making sure everything is under control. So what was my weakness? Well, the only one I could really think of that was serious, and that would be the fact that I get frustrated sometimes and have to leave the room to calm down....now those of you who know me, understand that I have to gather my thoughts so that I don't say something stupid, but it was so hard being asked questions like: "and what do you do when you get frustrated? do you hit, push, name call?" It was so awkward to try to explain that when I get frustrated, I don't do or say anything differently then I would if I were calm, I just talk with a louder tone. I decided that this is probably the worse part of the process thus far because I am just being honest and trying to say things how they are, and I don't have the answers to a lot of my problems, it is just how I have grown up and things happen....
Another part that was really hard was when I had to explain our infertility to him and what endometriosis was, and what type of pain I experience...I can't really explain this too much because the pain can't be put into words...especially when I am trying to tell it to a guy. It was really difficult. Not only that, but it was also hard to explain that a lot of my depression comes from not being able to have children...
It was a crazy experience for me...I don't know how Joel felt, but I just want to cry because I didn't realize it was going to be this hard. Everything up to this point has been great...I feel like we have accomplished a lot and are flying through this...but today was a reality check I guess, because I am taken back by emotion and thought.
After we were finished with over half of the questions, we ended for the day. Our next meeting will be here in our home for our home study and we will finish the questionnaires, turn in our letter to the birth mother, and turn in our Photo Portfolio. Oh, that will be June 12th at 8:30am!!
One other thing that was kind of a downer for me, was when our caseworker said that he is pretty behind on his home study reports...he said that he has one couple who has been waiting for almost a month to hear back from him....I hope by the time we have our home study that he will be caught up, because if I have to wait that long to be approved, I will probably have a nervous breakdown and have to go to the loony bin!
Well, as always, today is another day and we are closer to our goal than ever!
Anyhow, today's visit was kind of weird because our caseworker has us read our questionnaire answers aloud and then asks us any questions that he may have regarding what was said. Right from the get go, I knew I would feel uncomfortable because the very first question asks you to state your strengths and weaknesses...and guess who had to go first...ME!
So as I was reading verbatim what i had written weeks before, I couldn't help but feel like I was an awful person for having a weakness. (I know, totally ridiculous, but true) I was being 110% honest with my answers and trying to explain myself in my writing, but then, inevitability there has to be questions to follow making sure everything is under control. So what was my weakness? Well, the only one I could really think of that was serious, and that would be the fact that I get frustrated sometimes and have to leave the room to calm down....now those of you who know me, understand that I have to gather my thoughts so that I don't say something stupid, but it was so hard being asked questions like: "and what do you do when you get frustrated? do you hit, push, name call?" It was so awkward to try to explain that when I get frustrated, I don't do or say anything differently then I would if I were calm, I just talk with a louder tone. I decided that this is probably the worse part of the process thus far because I am just being honest and trying to say things how they are, and I don't have the answers to a lot of my problems, it is just how I have grown up and things happen....
Another part that was really hard was when I had to explain our infertility to him and what endometriosis was, and what type of pain I experience...I can't really explain this too much because the pain can't be put into words...especially when I am trying to tell it to a guy. It was really difficult. Not only that, but it was also hard to explain that a lot of my depression comes from not being able to have children...
It was a crazy experience for me...I don't know how Joel felt, but I just want to cry because I didn't realize it was going to be this hard. Everything up to this point has been great...I feel like we have accomplished a lot and are flying through this...but today was a reality check I guess, because I am taken back by emotion and thought.
After we were finished with over half of the questions, we ended for the day. Our next meeting will be here in our home for our home study and we will finish the questionnaires, turn in our letter to the birth mother, and turn in our Photo Portfolio. Oh, that will be June 12th at 8:30am!!
One other thing that was kind of a downer for me, was when our caseworker said that he is pretty behind on his home study reports...he said that he has one couple who has been waiting for almost a month to hear back from him....I hope by the time we have our home study that he will be caught up, because if I have to wait that long to be approved, I will probably have a nervous breakdown and have to go to the loony bin!
Well, as always, today is another day and we are closer to our goal than ever!
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4 comments:
what a big milestone! I know that you guys will be able to make it through this, you two are just about the strongest people i know!
thanks for sharing your process with me- i really do enjoy hearing your thoughts and emotions, and i know that when u finally get to look back you will be glad you wrote it all down- the good, and the bad.
I know what you mean. They did mine and Trav's "interviews" separately, so I was in there with the caseworker and an intern for over an hour by myself, talking about the more "sensitive" items from the questionaire. I felt like it went pretty well, but when I left that day I felt completely drained. I went home and ate cookie dough in the dark and cried. I was just exhausted from the mental and emotional strain.
I'm excited to see that you're buzzing right through though. The hardest part is over. At least, that was the hardest part for me. After the interviews, the home study was a piece of cake.
And don't worry about the $1000. Our caseworker explained that his job is to help people get approved. So if they found anything in our background or home study that might cause us not to be approved, rather than just reject us, he'd work with us to fix what needed fixing so that we could get approved. He said the only time they just flat declined a couple is if they don't meet the basic requirements, or the criminal background check finds something.
You are in a good position because you have a plan for your anger. You basically give yourself a time-out to make sense of everything so you can react in a more calm manner. Your children will see that and act in the same healthy manner when they're angry, rather than acting out in other unhealthy ways.
Also, the feelings you have about infertility are so normal. If you watch the videos that the agency has you will see that you are 100% normal for having this trial in your life. If you want me to mail the conference videos (from LDS family services) to you if the agency where you're at doesn't have them I will be willing to pack them up and send them to you. I watched the videos I was interested in so I won't be missing them.
The way you are feeling is to be expected. When you feel vulnerable you tend to think about your inadequacies. The best thing you can do is ask for a priesthood blessing and then look at the wonderful blessings you do have. If you need to vent. Feel free. My e-mail address is on my blog for birthmothers.
A.C.
Well Lila! We are at the other end of the process. Already I have noticed some subtle differences. Like we paid the 1000 dollars today at the beginning of the paperwork. I have this huge list of stuff to do and no idea of where to start. The craziness. I was having crazy dreams and worries about our intake interview today. I was so worried. Even the basic questions our caseworker asked today were intimidating. Anyways, I wish I could say something to help alliviate your fears. All I know is that you are a wonderful person Lila, and I am here for you if you need me.
Hope all is well.
Love ya,
Wendy
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