Here I sit late in the night, unable to sleep. My mind is torn with emotion today. Days like today are pretty normal for me, I just try not to let my emotions show as strongly as they actually are. I cry alone, so no one can see, and then once the relief has come, I look forward to the new day that awaits me in the morning.
I have been spending the last week researching blog sites of others that have walked the road I am on, and who can give advise and comfort to me...it is interesting how one person's experience can be the exact thing that you have been struggling to understand. Even though I do not personally know the people I search out, the moment I read their stories I feel an instant connection.
I just want to say to those who have had the guidance to share their stories, Thank you! I know that I am not alone and that the questions I have are easily answered through others. With the right perspective, peace and comfort come over my soul, calming me and clearing my mind from an uncontrollable rage of thought.
My heart always seems to melt when I see my dear sweetheart holding a baby or playing with a toddler. It is just recently that he has shown a desire to interact with our little friends without coaxing...I am seeing a change in his heart and it makes me so happy and yet so sad. Happy because I know that someday in the near future we will be able to have a family to love and to teach, to smoother with love, and to cuddle with always. But I get sad because I am not able to give him a child of our own flesh and blood at this time, I am not able to create the miracle inside of myself. From the time I was old enough to hold a baby by myself, I have dreamed of the perfect life; a husband who loves me and I love him, a successful career that provides enough income to support a stay-at-home mom, going through the stages of pregnancy, and bearing a child. As a kid and youth, no one ever prepared me for the thought of "what if problems arise..." I was always taught, life will be happily-ever-after(with a few bumps along the way) when you find your soul mate and get married...raise a family and being a mom has been my dream; I am living for the opportunity to hold my child in my arms, to kiss their forehead, and to put a band aide on their boo boos. I yearn to whisper sweet sayings into their ears, and to rock them to sleep...not to mention to be seen in public as a family, happy, loving, and complete. I have my happily-ever...just waiting for my AFTER....
Being at the beginning of the adoption process is so humbling for me...I can not deny the power of the Spirit the day I knew we were to pursue adoption. The moment is so precious in my heart because I had never felt so helpless and in need of our Heavenly Father's love and understanding ever before in my life. (I would love to share this moment with you, but it is hard for me to put into words at this point in time...ask me and I will share it with you) It was the day of this that I knew that we were to pursue adoption long before we actually began the process, but the time wasn't right then...I was being prepared for the process we are embarking on now. The most amazing thing about all of this, is that I know I am being guided by the Lord, and I know that our baby will come to us when the time is right.
Here are some of my concerns/questions:
1. Open adoption: pros and cons, do or don't
2. Being accepted by others (us as a family, my sweet baby, etc)
3. Explaining to my sweet baby how we were so blessed to have them in our lives, and that they are our children
4. Gaining enough patience to make it through this long road
Thanks for listening/reading through my emotions...sometimes I just need to vent, in hopes that I can collect my thoughts and find answers to my questions.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.jpg)
8 comments:
i have something i want to send you, but it needs to be an email.
look for it soon!
much love. i know this pain. i know this crying when alone. i know the agony of empty arms. i know the hurt. i know the anger ...and i know the joy. soon this will be in the past.
i love this line from alicia keys: "it's called the past, cause i'm gettin' past and i ain't nothin' like i was before."
this hurt makes the joy of adoption so much more real. hang in there. it is worth it.
I found your blog through Mrs. R. I am a Birth Mom who placed 6months ago. I have an open adoption with my little and her family. I wouldn't have it any other way. I was concerned with it in the beginning and now I can't imagine it being closed. When you meet your birth mom you will know and you will know what is right. I know that sounds hard to believe but you will. My little girls dad was concerned with an open adoption at first and when he met me he wanted it to be open. Closed and Open both come with pros and cons. Her mom and I are good friends. Open and talk which is nice so I know where she is coming from and she knows where I am coming from. Also different that I am already a mom and older. Different with a younger birth mom. It is hard to imagine because I was there once too that it will all fall into place and you will be the right piece to her puzzle and she will be the right piece to your puzzle. I feel all these emotions even though I wasn't on your end. Each story is different but somehow emotions can be felt by all. She is out there and I pray she is lifted , carry and blessed each day just as you are. Hope you are ok with my two cents.
Hi there, you don't know me, but I found your site through The R House. I got so choked up reading your thoughts, as it has not been so long that I had the same emotions. They are still so raw, but have healed so much through the miracle of adoption. For this reason, I am sooo excited to see your story unfold! It IS so completely humbling to hand it all over to the Lord, knowing He has it all figured out and can bring the miracles you seek into your life.
A few thoughts on your questions. We have a pretty open relationship with our birthmom and to be honest, I never thought I would be one who would be able to handle that. The thing I can tell you is that as your particular situation unfolds, the Lord will truly guide you to know what is best for your family and for your birth mother. For us, we would not trade our relationship with our birthmom and her family for the world. We know that it is exactly the way the Lord wants it to be for now. He will surely show you what is right for you when the time comes. As far as being acceped by others, I was sooo pleasantly surprised at how incredibly supportive people were of our adoption. It seems that everyone has a story of their own and when they find out about your adoption they are so eager and excited to share their own experiences. There have only been a VERY small handful of people who had some concerns with the adoption, but not once have I ever felt that anyone has treated my daughter any different because she was adopted. I think so much of that comes from how YOU talk about it, and the feelings you express to others about your adoption. Education seems to go a long way!
Anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and just know that you are NOT alone in them! May your journey be blessed!
I am an adoption friend (b and b) of The R House.
These words are so familiar! And I know how hard these feelings are to share with so many. But I appreciate them so much and sharing will really help you through this time. I am really excited to see your own adoption story unfold, the trip there will be unforgettable.
My feelings on some of your concerns:
When my husband and I started our adoption process, we were totally against open adoption. Those feelings came from our experience as "foster parents". But as our paperwork was turned in and we were approved and a few months went by, our hearts were softened. And that had alot to do with reading blogs of others who were experiencing open adoption first hand. As we met with our son's birhtmother it came even more apparent that open adoption was the right thing for us and our baby. It has been the most amazing, rewarding and wonderful experience and I wouldnt change any of it. But it does have to be right for you and your family.
This is already getting too long so I will finish there, but I hope that it is ok that I add you to my links of those hoping to adopt.
I will also be thinking of you in my prayers. Since we have experienced our own adoption story I yearn even more for those who are still waiting for theirs.
Brenley
www.bwilbergerfamily.blogspot.com
My sister found your blog while exploring some of her relatives blog and told me to check yours out. I have read through your blog and I wanted to offer some thoughts.
I placed a little girl for adoption almost six years ago....it seems like it was just yesterday! I cannot believe she will be six in April. She is a beautiful little girl who has taught me many lessons over the years and has put me on a path leading back to my Heavenly Father. I call her my little "missionary" because she so changed my life.
At 19, I found myself pregnant and in a very abusive relationship and after much soul searching, I had an overwhelming sense that I needed to place my sweet baby for adoption. I searched long and hard for the adoptive parents and so many things happened throughout that process that I knew and still know that the Lord was involved every step of the way! In fact after looking through multiple profiles, I became very discouraged and told my mom specifically that "they arent there." This statement really didnt make sense to anyone...they arent there? what does that mean? I soon found out. I decided to look through more profiles where I found this adorable couple who I KNEW were to be the parents of this little girl. Later I would find out that the agency had made a "mistake" and sent the adoptive parents profile to the wrong agency (the agency I was at) and it had just barely been entered into the system. Amazing!
Anyways, I went into labor early before the face to face and ended up meeting the couple in the hospital after giving birth. I will tell you that I know I knew these people in heaven,
I knew it as soon as I saw them. It was like a reunion with some old friends. I know that Taycee (thats her name) is EXACTLY where she is supposed to be. She looks just like the adoptive dad and is now the big sister of two other darling girls. She is constantly surrounded with people who love her and is growing up with a family she is sealed to for time and all eternity and that makes me very happy. I am so thankful for the adoptive couple and I respect them and admire them for everything they have been through.
I want you to know that I truly believe Heavenly Father is well aware of your circumstances and is working on preparing a way for you to receive a baby. It may be a very long journey but you will be blessed in the end. I also want to tell you that you do not have to give birth or even adopt a baby to be considered a mother. You already possess qualities that people would associate with the notion of "motherhood." These qualities will continue to improve on your journey through adoption and will come in handy when you finally have a baby and I promise you that you will!
I am sorry I have rambled for so long. I wish you all the best!
I just happened upon your blog while I was up late "blog hopping". I can't add much to what the others have already said, but I can promise you that one day all the anxst and emotion and pain you are experiencing today will be a distant memory. It probably isn't comforting to hear that NOW, but just know that your future holds MUCH hope. The Lord knows you, He will bless you. Just remain faithful...even though it can be SO hard! xoxo
I found you through The R House, and couldn't help but leave you a quick note.
First, realize that most of us had the exact same anxieties that you are facing. I was terrified about open adoption and I was worried about how my family would react to an adopted child, and most importantly, I didn't know how I would find the right words to explain to my children about their own beginnings.
It is wonderful that you are looking at this situation from every angle. But know that it will all work out.
As for an open adoption, I was sceptical. I wanted this baby all to myself. Then when I met my son's birth mother and as we grew to love and trust eachother, My heart aches to know that she is okay. I love getting the occasional email from her. It brings me so much peace. I can't imagine not having that reassurace that her life has continued and that she is happy and progressing. Secondly, it is so wonderful that I have so much I can tell my son about her. I can point to her picture and explain that that is where he got his big, beautiful blue eyes, and I can explain to him how much I know that she loves him still.
Lastly, as to teaching your child about his or her miraculous beginning, I recommend a number of children's books that are available. But my favorite has to be a scrap book I created specifically about HIS adoption. I have everything documented in there. I have copies of some of the paper work, I have pictures of the day we found out we were selected. I have pictures and letters from our face to face meeting with his birth mom- complete with her standing with her cute, pregnant belly.
Using this book makes it so easy to explain to him the process in ways he can understand. I show him pictures of just me and my husband and some of the paperwork. I tell him how much we wanted a baby. I show him pictures of his birth mom and explain how she loved him so much and that she knew he needed a mommy and a daddy and that Heavenly Father helped her find us. I show pictures of the placement and of the temple and try my best to help him understand in basic, simple ways that he was meant to be with us, and that his birth mom did a wonderful job of letting Heavenly Father help her find his family.
It all seems so big and overwhelming. Take one step in to the dark at a time. The light will come and you'll be able to take the next step.
Good luck and God bless!
I found you through Bryce and Brenley's blog! I am excited to hear more of your journey to adoption. I think that blogging and meeting those that are going through similar experiences can be such a huge support. I know that I have found so much love and support though all the many different blogs I come across. So I am excited to add you to my list and get to know you better! :)
We are in the "waiting" stage of our adoption. We were approved Oct 2006. It has been an awesome experience that we are so excited to continue! I know there are such great blessings in store for all of us!
You are in my thoughts and prayers as you embark on your adoption journey!
Post a Comment