Waiting for Our Miracle

For well over four years, I have been battling with emotions. These emotions range from extreme happiness to utter and complete devastation. I know I am not alone in my feelings, but there are days, even still, when I can't seem to figure out what to do next. Let me explain....

When we were first married, it was obvious that we wouldn't be able to start a family as soon as we had hoped because my dear sweetheart was deployed with the Army National Guard to Iraq. His total deployment, which included training, was a year and a half. Hoping that the time would be right when he was able to come home on leave, I was still disappointed when I struggled to hold a pregnancy past four weeks. By the time Joel arrived home for good, I was so excited because we could hit the ground running and hopefully start a family soon.

After watching a lot of our close friends and family members have successful pregnancies, I started to feel very depressed and at times angry. I couldn't figure out what was happening and why, when we were doing everything we needed to, but, still, no miracle, no baby.

Soon after Joel returned home, I began getting very sick. I was in and out of the hospital for reasoning only the doctors could say as, "well you are apparently in pain, but everything else looks normal..." (Ultimately, this has become the story of my life) Months later, and bills to match, I finally had a doctor, who I loved and trusted, recommend that it may be time to do an exploratory surgery to see if anything could be found to explain the pain and the miscarriages. I put my trust in this doctor 100% and came out of the surgery with a firm answer to some of my problems.

In March of 2006, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis.

Commonly a cause for infertility, pain, and problems, I knew the road would be hard to travel, but that this set back wasn't a reason to give up. After trying a whole lot of everything, I was still not closer to having what I have wanted the most, a baby to call my own, a "family".

Monthly I cry about the fact that I am not able to have my miracle, but I know someday I will be able to, it just isn't in a way that I had really anticipated....our miracle is going to be through adoption.

Today, I reflect back on the priceless memories I have been given of being in a hospital moments after my friends and family members have had their miracles given to them...I hold those moments so dear in my heart because I know that it is extremely hard and trying go through a pregnancy, and I know that once that baby is born, a new life is prepared to begin.

My battles are constantly the same....why me, why them, what did I do to deserve this, what are they doing differently...am I not worthy to be called a mother?? Although I battle with these questions frequently, I know the answers...they are easy and simple...uplifting and full of hope...the answers are: Heavenly Father has a purpose and plan for each of us on this earth. We all have been given free agency and are able to govern for ourselves. Because of this, there are those who go through the motions, but don't want the responsibility, there are those who are just not as prepared as they could be, and then there are those who are prepared, willing and ready. My condition is not a punishment, I am worthy and can't wait for the moment when I am able to hold a child in my arms and know that that baby is ours...a miracle in our lives.

Going through this adoption process is very humbling to me because I am reminded daily that I have a flaw in my body...a major one at that. I am reminded that I can not achieve this miracle without the help of another...my heart yearns to be able to tell the birth mother of my child how much of a savior she is to me...although for one reason or another, she is unable to care for her baby, she has the strength to give up something that I can only dream. Whoever the birth mother is that chooses us, I know she will be heaven sent and I will be forever in debt to her because of the sacrifice she is going to be making.

I also have spent time reflecting on examples of adoption...think of Moses...his mom, knowing he would be killed if left with her, placed her baby in a basket and sent him away down a river, with only a prayer in her heart that he would be saved and be able to live the life she only dreamed he would have. That could not have been easy for her...she wanted that baby, I am sure she was devastated to let him go, but she knew it was best for the baby to have a chance of living a full life. Think of our Savior, Jesus Christ...his earthly father, Joseph, adopted him...Joseph was not the father, but he still loved this baby as if he was. These examples give me hope.

Joel and I are ready and waiting to be parents. We are in preparation for a long road, but it will be a miracle. We are looking (and waiting patiently) for our miracle.